SWAT Kats and the Holy Grail
by Lady Stormcrow
Summary: Random insanity from an insane random. You don't have to like it, but it might be amusing.
1. Part First

**Author's Note:** I realize this type of fic has been done to death, but I like to think that it was I who put the final nail in the coffin. Besides, I needed to do something to ease the stress of school, and inspire me on my other projects. You don't have to like it, but I'm just posting it on the off chance that it might make someone laugh. 

**Disclaimer:** I own only myself. Technically, Sunshine also owns himself, but since he is, legally, a cat, he's mine under law. Aside from that, everything belongs to SWAT Kats, and the original script belongs to Monty Python. Sue me and ye shall receive naught but a threadbare Triceratops plushie and some aquarium filters. As a further disclaimer, yes, I **am** aware that Miranda Shadowind posted a similar piece on this site, but I promise you that my version is different on many points, and not a rip-off. Thank you.  
    
    **SWAT Kats and the Holy Grail** 
    
    1) EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

**_(Mist. It swirls around for several minutes. Silence, followed by a little atmospheric music. Wind whistles eerily across the plain. After a few more seconds, hoofbeats are heard in the distance. They come slowly closer. Then out of the mist comes COMMANDER FERAL. He is followed by THE SERGEANT, who is banging two half-coconuts together. Feral raises his paw.)_**

**Feral:** Whoa there! 

**_(The Sergeant makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish. Feral peers through the mist. From his view, we see a castle rising out of the mist. On the castle battlements MURRAY is dimly seen.  He peers down.)_******

**Murray:** Halt! Who goes there? 

**Feral: It is I, Feral, son of Feral Sr., from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, Commander of the Enforcers, sovereign of all England! **

**_(A pause)_**

**Murray:** Pull the other one! 

**Feral: **I am! And this is my trusty servant, Sarge. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master. 

**Murray:** What, ridden on a horse? 

**Feral:** Yes! 

**Murray:** You're using coconuts! 

**Feral:** What? 

**Murray:** You've got two empty halves of coconut and you're banging 'em together. 

**Feral (scornfully): **So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through –

**Murray (interrupts):** Where'd you get the coconuts? 

**_(A moment's pause)_**

**Feral:** We found them. 

**Murray:** Found them? In Mercea? Coconuts are tropical! 

**Feral:** What do you mean? 

**Murray:** Well, this is a temperate zone! 

**Feral:** The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land. 

**Murray:** Are you suggesting coconuts migrate? 

**Feral:** Not at all. They could be carried. 

**Murray:** What?! A swallow carry a coconut? 

**Feral: **It could grip it by the husk! 

**Murray:** It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of weight ratios! A five-ounce bird could _not_ carry a one-pound coconut. 

**Feral:** Well, it doesn't matter! Will you go and tell your master that Feral from the Court of Camelot is here. ****
    
    **_(A slight pause. Swirling mist and silence.)_**

**Murray:** Look, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow has to beat its wings forty-three times a second, right? 

**Feral (irritated):** Please! 

**Murray: **Am I right? 

**Feral:** I'm not interested! 
    
    **Burke (who has also appeared on the battlements): It could be carried by an African swallow! **

**Murray:** Oh, yeah, an African swallow, maybe, but not a European swallow; that's my point.

**Burke: **Oh, yeah, I agree with that. 

**Feral (losing patience):** Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?! ****

**_(A pause)_******

**Murray (to Burke):** But then of course, African swallows are non-migratory. 

**Burke:** Oh, yeah . . . 

**Murray:** So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway.**__**
    
    **_(Feral raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to the Sergeant. They turn and go off into the mist.)_**

**Burke: **Wait a minute, what if two swallows carried it together? 

**Murray:** Nah, they'd have to have it on a line. 

**Burke: **Well, easy! They'd just use a strand of creeper! 

**Murray:** What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers? 

**Burke:** Well, why not? 
    
    2)  A VILLAGE – DEATH AND DEVASTATION

**_(Wailings and groanings. A huge pile of bodies lurch away down a muddy street, all stacked on a creaking cart. It is pulled by a couple of ragged, dirty, emaciated wretches. Behind the cart walks DR. CONWAY, who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale of complete and utter impoverishment.  He holds a bell in one paw.)_**

**Conway:** Bring out your dead!**__**

**_(The cart drives through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden village. A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging. In the open doorway of one house a pair of legs and a tail dangle from the ceiling. In another doorway an old she-kat is beating a rat against a wall rather like one does with a mat. The cart passes round a dead animal in the mud. And a kat tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four nuns with huge mallets.)_**

**Conway (clangs the bell):** Bring out your dead!

**_(There are legs sticking out of windows and doors. Two kats are fighting in the mud, covered from head to foot in it.  Another kat is on his paws and knees, shoveling mud into his mouth.  We just catch sight of a kat falling into a well.)_**

**Conway (clangs the bell):** Bring out your dead!

      **_(Clang)_ Bring out your dead!**

      **_(Clang)_ Bring out your dead!**

      **_(Clang)_ Bring out your dead! **

**_(THE RED LYNX walks up, carrying MAYOR MANX over his shoulder.)_**

**Red Lynx: **Here's one.

**Conway: **Ninepence.

**Manx (protesting weakly):** I'm not dead! 

**Conway:** What? 

**Red Lynx:** Nothing, here's your ninepence. 

**Manx:** I'm not dead! 

**Conway:** Here, he says he's not dead! 

**Red Lynx:** He is. 

**Manx:** I'm not! 

**Conway:** He isn't? 

**Red Lynx:** Well, he will be soon. He's not even a worthy opponent. 

**Manx:** I'm getting better! 

**Red Lynx:** No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. 

**Conway:** Oh, I can't take him like that! It's against regulations. 

**Manx: **I don't want to go in the cart! 

**Red Lynx:** Oh don't be such a baby. 

**Conway:** I can't take him . . . 

**Manx:** I feel fine! 

**Red Lynx:** Oh, do us a favor? 

**Conway: **I can't! 

**Red Lynx:** Well, can you wait here for a few minutes? He won't be long. 

**Conway:** Nah, I got to go on to Eliots'; they've lost nine today. 

**Red Lynx:** Well, when's your next round? 

**Conway:** Thursday. 

**Manx:** I think I'll go for a walk. 

**Red Lynx: **You're not fooling anyone, you know. **_(To Conway)_** Look, isn't there something you can do? 

**Manx (singing unrecognizably):** I feel happy . . . I feel happy . . .**__**

**_(Conway looks at the Red Lynx for a moment. Then they both do a quick furtive look up and down the street. Conway very swiftly brings up a club and hits Manx out of sight. The singing stops after a loud BONK.)_**

**Red Lynx (handing over the money and the body at last):** Ah, thank you very much. 

**Conway: **Not at all. See you on Thursday. 

**Red Lynx:** Right. __

**_(_****_They turn . . . and Feral and the Sergeant ride into view, slightly nose to the air. They ride through without acknowledging anybody. After they pass, the Red Lynx turns to Conway.)_**

**Red Lynx: **Who's that then? 

**Conway (grudgingly):** I don't know. Must be a king. 

**Red Lynx:** Why? 

**Conway:** He hasn't got crud all over him. 
    
    3) EXTERIOR - DAY

**_(Feral and the Sergeant are riding. They stop and look. A castle rises in the distance, and before it are peasants working away on their knees trying to dig up the earth with bare paws and twigs. Feral and the Sergeant ride up behind a cart of earth, pulled by a PEASANT in a ragged cloak.)_**

**Feral:** Old she-kat! 

**Johnny K. (turning quickly to show his face): **TOM-KAT! 

**Feral:** Tom-kat, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there? 

**Johnny: **I'm twenty-seven.

**Feral:** What? 

**Johnny:** I'm twenty-seven; I'm not old! 

**Feral:** Well, I can't just call you "Kat". 

**Johnny:** Well, you could say "Johnny".

**Feral:** I didn't know you were called "Johnny".

**Johnny:** Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you? 

**Feral:** I did say sorry about the "old she-kat" but from behind you looked—

**Johnny:** Look, dude, what I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior! 

**Feral:** Well, I AM king . . . 

**Johnny:** Oh _king_, yeah, very nice. And how did you get that, huh? By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress—

**_(ANN GORA crawls onscreen.)_**

**Ann:** Johnny, there's some great filth down here!**_ (Spies Feral)_** Oh! How do you do? 

**Feral:** How do you do, good lady. I am Feral, King of the Britons. Whose castle is that?

**Ann:** King of the WHO? 

**Feral:** The Britons. 

**Ann (puzzled): **Who are the Britons? 

**Feral:** Well, we all are. We're all Britons and I am your king. 

**Ann:** I didn't know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective. 

**Johnny:** You're fooling yourself, Annie. We're living in a dictatorship! A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes—

**Ann: **Oh there you go, bringing class into it again. 

**Johnny:** That's what it's all about! If people would just—

**Feral:** Please, please, good people! I am in haste. Who lives in that castle? 

**Ann (shrugs):** No one lives there. 

**Feral:** Then who is your lord? 

**Ann:** We don't have a lord! 

**Feral (confused):** What? 

**Johnny:** I told you: we're an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take turns acting as a kind of executive officer for the week. 

**Feral (impatient):** Yes. 

**Johnny:** But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.

**Feral:** Yes, I see. 

**Johnny:** By a simple majority, in the case of purely internal affairs – 

**Feral:** Be quiet! 

**Johnny:** But by a two-thirds majority in the case of more—

**Feral: **Be quiet! I order you to be quiet! 

**Ann:** Order, huh? Who does he think he is? 

**Feral:** I am your king! 

**Ann:** Well, I didn't vote for you. 

**Feral:** You don't vote for kings! 

**Ann:** Well, how did you become king then? 

**Feral:** The Lady of the Laptop, 

**_(Angels begin to sing somewhere) _**

****her arm clad in the purest shimmering nylon, used the "Replace" option to put my name in the script, signifying by Divine Providence that I, Feral, was to have this role. 

**_(The singing stops) _**

****_That_ is why I am your king!

**Johnny:** Listen, man; strange she-kats, writing on computers, ripping off scripts, is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power comes from a mandate from the masses, not from some plagiaristic electronic ceremony. 

**Feral (getting angry):** Be quiet! 

**Johnny:** Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some techno-queen gave you someone else's lines! 

**Feral:** Shut up! 

**Johnny:** I mean, if I went around saying I was Prince of the Sayjins just because some female nerd typed my name in a script, they'd lock me up! 

**Feral (grabbing him by the collar): **Shut up! Will you shut up! 

**Johnny:** Yeah, now we see the violence inherent in the system! 

**Feral:** Shut up! 

**Johnny (calling):** Come see the violence inherent in the system! **__**

**_(Is shaken violently)_**

      Help, help, I'm being repressed! 

**Feral:** Bloody peasant! 

**Johnny:** Oh, what a giveaway. Did you hear that, did you hear that, huh? That's what I'm talking about! Did you see him repressing me? You saw it, didn't you?
    
    4) EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY**__**

(Feral and Sergeant are riding through the forest.  They pass rune stones, and then stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up. Sounds of a fight come from nearby. They are in a clearing, on the other side of which is a rough wooden foot-bridge across a stream.  At the start of the bridge, a tremendous fight is going on.  DARK KAT, in black armor with his trademark shield on his shoulder, only his eyes visible through his visor, is fighting REX SHARD, who wears extremely shiny green armor. Feral and the Sergeant watch, growing more impressed as the fight progresses. Rex Shard lunges at Dark Kat, who avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword out of Shard's paw. In response, Shard draws out a particularly nasty spiked ball and chain, much longer than Dark Kat's sword. He swings at Dark Kat, who ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close on Shard. Feral and the Sergeant watch, as though at a tennis match. Shard retrieves his sword.)
    
    **Shard (racing at Dark Kat with his sword held high): YAHHHHH!****__**

(Dark Kat throws his own sword, which runs Shard through the head. Blood spurts through his visor. Feral and the Sergeant look more than a little grossed out. Dark Kat pulls his sword out and walks over to the bridge. Feral nods at the Sergeant, and they move forward. Dark Kat stands in the middle of the bridge, leaning on his sword. Feral and the Sergeant approach him.)

**Feral: **You fight with the strength of many kats, Sir Knight.

**_(Dark Kat stands impassively and says nothing)_**

**Feral:** I am Feral, King of the Britons.**__**
    
    **_(Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction, which doesn't come. Feral is only slightly thrown.) _**

**Feral:** I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot. 

**_(Dark Kat remains silent)_**

**Feral:** You have proved yourself worthy. Will you join me? 

**_(Silence)_**  

**Feral: **You make me sad. So be it. Come, Sergeant. 

**_(As he moves, Dark Kat bars the way)_**

**Dark Kat:** None shall pass. 

**Feral:** What? 

**Dark Kat:** None shall pass. 

**Feral: **I have no quarrel with you, good Sir Knight, but I must cross this bridge. 

**Dark Kat:** Then you shall die. 

**Feral: **I command you, as King of the Britons, to stand aside! 

**Dark Kat:** I move for no one. 

**Feral: **So be it! **__**

**_(Feral draws his sword and approaches Dark Kat. A furious fight now starts, lasting about fifteen seconds at which point Feral delivers a mighty blow, which completely severs Dark Kat's left arm at the shoulder. Feral steps back triumphantly.)_**

**Feral:** Now stand aside, worthy adversary. 

**Dark Kat (glancing at his shoulder):** 'Tis but a scratch. 

**Feral (shocked):** A scratch?! Your arm's off! 

**Dark Kat: **No it isn't. 

**Feral (indicating the arm on the ground): **Well, what's that then? 

**_(Dark Kat glances dismissively at the arm)_**

**Dark Kat:** I've had worse. 

**Feral:** You liar! 

**Dark Kat:** Come on, you weakling! **__**

**_(_****_Another ten seconds furious fighting, until Feral chops Dark Kat's other arm off, also at the shoulder.  The arm, plus sword, lies on the ground.)_**

**Feral:** Victory is mine! **__**

**_(Kneels)_**

      We thank thee, Tremblays, that in thy mercy – 

**_(Dark Kat_****_ kicks Feral hard on the side of the helmet)_**

**Dark Kat: **Come on then. **__**
    
    **_(Feral gets up still holding his sword. Dark Kat comes after him hop-kicking.)_**

**Feral:** What? 

**Dark Kat:** Have at you! 

**Feral:** You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine. 

**Dark Kat:** Oh, had enough, eh? 

**Feral:** Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!

**Dark Kat:** Yes I have. 

**Feral:** Look! 

**Dark Kat:** Merely a flesh wound. 

**_(Headbutts Feral in the chest) _**

**Feral:** Look, stop that. 

**Dark Kat (still kicking him):** Chicken! Chicken! 

**Feral: **Look, I'll have your leg. 

**_(He is kicked)_**

**** Right! 
    
    **_(Dark Kat kicks him again, and Feral chops his leg off. Dark Kat keeps his balance with difficulty.)_**

**Dark Kat: **Very well, I'll do you for that! 

**Feral:** You'll what?! 

**Dark Kat:** Come here! 

**Feral (getting annoyed):** What are you going to do, bleed on me? 

**Dark Kat:** I'm invincible! 

**Feral:** You're a loony. 

**Dark Kat:** Dark Kat always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then. 

**_(Feral takes his last leg off.  Dark Kat's body lands upright.)_**

**Dark Kat (perkily):** All right. We'll call it a draw. 

**Feral:** Come, Sergeant. 

**_(Feral and the Sergeant start to cross the bridge.)_**

**Dark Kat:** Oh, oh, I see. Running away, huh? You cowards! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off! 


	2. Part Second

**Disclaimer:** Hanna-Barbera and the Tremblays own _SWAT Kats_, Monty Python owns the script, Yvon and Christian Tremblay own themselves, and my mother owns herself. I own myself, and under law, I also own Sunshine and Nightwind. Sue me, and you shall become well-stocked on old bathing caps and mismatched socks. Thank you. 

5) EXTERIOR – A VILLAGE - DAY 

**_(A line of monks pass, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with wooden boards.  They pass a group of villagers, led by MAX FANGO, CHOP SHOP, and MORBULUS, who are dragging MOLLY METALLIKAT through the streets. Molly wears a pointy black hat and a Halloween mask.)  _**

**Crowd (variously): A witch! A witch! A witch! We've got a witch! A witch! **

**_(They drag Molly to a strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. PROFESSOR HACKLE stands on a rough platform outside.)_**

**Fango: We've found a witch, can we melt her? **

**Crowd: Melt her! Melt! **

**Hackle: How do you know she is a witch? **

**Chop Shop: She looks like one! **

**Hackle: Right, bring her forward. **

**_(Molly is shoved/carried to the platform)_**

**Molly (angrily): I'm not a witch. I'm NOT a witch! **

**Hackle: But you are dressed as one. **

**Molly (indicates the crowd): _They_ dressed me up like this! **

**Crowd: No, we didn't – no! **

**Molly: And this isn't my face, it's a fake one! **

**_(Hackle takes the mask off to reveal Molly's robotic face)_**

**Hackle (to the crowd): Well? **

**Fango: Well, we did do the face. **

**Hackle: The face? **

**Fango: And the hat . . . but she _is_ a witch! **

**Crowd: Melt her! Witch! Witch! Melt her! **

**Hackle: Did you dress her up like this? **

**Crowd: No, no . . . no . . . yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit. **

**Fango: She does have a wart. **

**Hackle: What makes you think she is a witch? **

**Morbulus: Well, she turned me into a giant bacteria monster! **

**Hackle (skeptically): A giant bacteria monster? **

**_(Morbulus pauses and looks at himself for a few moments)_**

**Morbulus (quietly): I got better. **

**Chop Shop: Melt her anyway! **

**Crowd: Melt! Melt her! **

**Hackle: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. **

**Crowd: Are there? What are they? **

**Fango (eagerly): Do they hurt?!**__****

**_(Feral and Sergeant ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest)_**

**Hackle: Tell me, what do you do with witches? **

**Chop Shop: Melt! **

**Crowd: Melt, melt them down! **

**Hackle: And what do you melt apart from witches? **

**Fango (eagerly): More witches! **

**Chop Shop (after a quick thought): Metal! **

**Hackle: So, why do witches melt? **

**_(Long pause as the villagers think)_**

**Morbulus: B . . . 'cause they're made of  . . . metal . . . ? **

**Hackle: Good! **

**_(Villagers stir uneasily, and then come round to this conclusion)_**

**Crowd: Oh yeah, yeah . . . **

**Hackle: So, how do we tell whether she is made of metal? **

**Fango: Mold a pot out of her. **

**Hackle: Ah, but can you not also make pots out of clay? **

**Chop Shop: Oh, yeah. **

**Hackle: Does a sealed pot sink in water? **

**Fango: No, no. **

**Chop Shop: It floats! It floats! **

**Fango: Throw her into the pond! **

**Crowd: The pond! **

**Hackle (after signaling for quiet): What also floats in water? **

**Fango: Bread! **

**Chop Shop: Apples! **

**Morbulus: Uh, very small rocks! **

**Fango: Catnip! **

**Chop Shop: Uh . . . gravy! **

**Fango: Cherries! **

**Chop Shop: Mud! **

**Morbulus: Refineries, refineries! **

**Chop Shop: Lead, lead! **

**Feral: A duck. **

**_(They all turn and look at Feral. Hackle looks up, very impressed.)_**

**Crowd: Ooooooooo. **

**Hackle: Exactly! So, logically . . . **

**Fango **(beginning to pick up the thread):** If . . . she . . . weighs the same as a duck . . . she's made of metal! **

**Hackle: And therefore . . . ? **

**_(A pause)_**

**Fango: A witch! **

**Crowd: A witch! A witch! A witch! **

**Hackle: We shall use my largest scales! **

**_(He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of wood and rope and leather.  They put Molly in one pan and a duck in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. Hackle checks each pan. Feral looks on with interest.)_**

**Hackle: Right, remove the supports! **

**_(Two villagers knock them away with sledge hammers. Molly and the duck swing slightly, but balance perfectly.)_**

**Crowd: A witch! A witch! **

**Molly (tiredly): It's a fair cop. **

**Crowd: Melt her! Melt her! **__****

**_(The villagers drag Molly away, leaving Feral and Hackle regarding each other admiringly.)_**

**Hackle: Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science? **

**Feral: I am Feral, King of the Britons. **

**Hackle: My liege! **__****

**_(Kneels respectfully)_**

**Feral: Good Sir Knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table? **

**Hackle: My liege! I would be honored! **

**Feral: What is your name? **

**Hackle: Hackle, my liege. **

**_(Feral steps forward and draws his sword)_**

**Feral: Then I dub you . . . Sir Hackle, Knight of the Round Table. **

6) THE BOOK OF THE FILM

**_(A ginger tabby CAT is seated before a big, old-looking book, on which is written _****"The Book of the Film"_)_**

**Narrator**: The wise Sir Hackle was the first to join King Feral's knights. But other illustrious names were soon to follow . . .

**_(The cat reaches out with a paw and turns the page)_**

**Narrator: Sir T-Bone the Brave . . .**

**_(The page shows a photograph of T-BONE. The cat turns the page)_******

**Narrator: Sir Razor the Pure . . .**

**_(Photograph of RAZOR. The cat turns the page)_ **

**Narrator: And Sir Steele the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As-Sir-T-Bone . . . **

**_(Photo of LT.-COMMANDER STEELE. The cat turns the page)_**

**Narrator: . . . Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor . . . **

**_(Photo of Steele backing away looking scared. The cat turns the page.)_**

**Narrator: . . . Who had nearly stood up to the vicious Clown of Bristol . . .**

**_(Same photo, only Steele is farther to the side, obviously fleeing. The cat turns the page.)_**

**Narrator: . . . And who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Volcanus Hill.**

**_(Same photo, but this time Steele is almost completely out of shot)_ **

And the aptly named . . .

**_(The cat turns the page)_**

Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Fanfic.

**_(Actual photo of a REAL KITTEN peeking out of a real-life suit of armor. The cat turns the page.)_**

Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries . . . The Knights of the Round Table.

**_(A HUMAN GIRL suddenly picks up the cat and unceremoniously hurls him out of the room.)_**

**Author: Sunshine, what have I told you about playing with my things?**

**_(The human goes and sits where the cat was, and turns the page.)_**

7) EXTERIOR - SUNSET

**_(The Knights are riding along. Hackle and Feral are at the front of the group, deep in conversation.)_**

**Hackle: And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be doughnut-shaped. **

**Feral: This new learning amazes me, Sir Hackle. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes. **

**Hackle: Oh, certainly, sir. **

**T-Bone (pointing): Look, commander! **

**_(They all stop and look._****_ An amazing castle stands in the distance, illuminated in the rays of the setting sun. Grand, heroic music plays.)_**

**Feral (with thankful reverence): Camelot! **

**Razor: Camelot! **

**T-Bone: Camelot! **

**Sergeant (at the back, to himself): It's only a model. **

**Feral (turning sharply): Sh! **_(To the others)_** Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride . . . to Camelot!**

****

8) INTERIOR - NIGHT**__**

**_(The interior of a castle hall. A large group of armored KNIGHTS are engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat "If they could see me now" type of fast bouncy number.  The poorer verses are made clearer by showing a group of knights actually engaged in the described task while the line itself is sung.  They sing:)_**

**Knights: We're Kats of the Round Table,**

We dance whene'er we're able.

We do routines and action scenes

Animated impecc-able.

We dine well here in Camelot;

We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

We're Kats of the Round Table,

Our show is for-mid-able.

But many times, we're given rhymes

That are quite unspeak-able.

We're rock song mad in Camelot;

We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

**_(Tap-dancing and _****_a routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of the knights' armor, producing a pleasing effect)_**

In fights we're tough and able,

Quite indefatigable,

By the Tremblays; not animes

Or a cutesy Disney fable.

It's a busy life in Camelot.

**Single Knights: I have to push the pram a lot.**

**_(More dancing, followed by going back to Feral and company as we had left them.)_**

**Feral: No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place. **

**All: Right.**

**_(They set off again. Almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radiance and strange heavenly choir music. The pages, horselike, take fright for a moment, whinnying and rattling their coconuts. Feral and the Knights look up at the sky.  Two holy voices boom out.)_**

**The Tremblay Brothers: Feral! Feral, King of the Britons! **

**_(Feral and the Knights quickly kneel on the ground)_**

**Christian (annoyed): Oh, don't grovel! If there's one thing we can't stand, it's people groveling. **

**_(Feral and co. rise)_**

**Feral: Sorry!**

**Yvon: And don't apologize! Every time we try to talk to someone it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy". **__****

**_(Looks down) _**

What are you doing now!? 

**Feral (turning his head away): I'm averting my eyes, oh Creators. **

**Yvon: Well, don't! It's like those anti-Ted Turner fics; they're so petty. Now knock it off! **

**Feral: Yes, Lords. **

**Tremblays: Right! Feral, King of the Britons, your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. **

**Feral: Good idea, oh Creators! **

**Christian: 'Course it's a good idea! **__****

**_(Suddenly another light glows within the light which is the Tremblays. A shape slowly starts to form.)_**

Behold! Feral, this is the Holy Grail. 

**_(The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent coffee mug)_**

Look well, Feral, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. 

**_(It begins to fade.  Music crescendo as both lights fade.)_**

That is your purpose, Feral: the Quest for the Holy Grail. 

**_(It is gone.  All the Knights are left gasping in awe and wonderment.)_**

**T-Bone: A blessing! A blessing from the Creators! **

**Razor: The Tremblays be praised! **

9) EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY

**_(The Knights ride on their way, until they approach a castle. They advance quite close to the castle and draw themselves into a line.)  _**

**Feral: Halt! **

**_(At a signal from Feral the two pages step forward and give a brief fanfare)_**

**Feral: Hello! Hello! **__****

**_(TURMOIL appears on the battlements)_**

**Turmoil: Hello! Who is it? **

**Feral: It is King Feral, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this? **

**Turmoil: This is the castle of my master, Rasputin Karamazov! **

**Feral: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the Tremblays with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail. **

**Turmoil: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen . . . Uh, he's already got one, you see? **

**Feral: What? **

**Razor: She says they've already got one! **

**Feral (to Turmoil): Are you sure he's got one? **

**Turmoil: Oh, yes, it's very nice. **

**_(On the battlements, Turmoil turns to several other female guards.)_**

**Turmoil (whispered): I told him we already got one.**

**_(They all giggle)_**

**Feral: Well, um . . . can we come up and have a look? **

**Turmoil: Of course not! You are English types! **

**Feral: Well, what are you then? **

**Turmoil: I'm Russian! Why do think I have this out**_rage_**ous accent, you silly king! **

**Razor: What are you doing in England? **

**Turmoil: Mind your own business! **

**Feral: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force! **

**Turmoil: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your tails, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Feral-king! You and all your silly English knnnniggets! ******

**_(Sticks her paws in her ears and blows a long raspberry) _**

**Razor: What a strange person. **

**Feral: Now look here, my good lady! **

**Turmoil: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough-wiper! I spit in your general direction! Your mother was a creepling and your father smelt of mongo peppers! **

**Razor: Is there someone else up there we could talk to? **

**Turmoil: No! Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time! **

**Feral: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable . . . **

**Turmoil (to her henchwomen): Privesti korova! **__****

**Henchwoman: What? **

**Turmoil: Privesti korova!! **

**_(The henchwomen scamper off) _**

**Feral: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall – **

**_(TWANG. _****_A cow comes flying over the battlements, lowing aggressively.)  _**

**Feral: Kats alive!**__****

**_(The cow lands on Razor's page, squashing him completely.)_**

**Feral: Right! Charge! ****__**

**All: Charge! **__****

**_(Feral leads a charge toward the castle. They battle on heroically, despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.)_**

**Turmoil (throwing a duck): Ah, this one is for your mother! ****__**

**Feral (as the kat next to him is squashed by a sheep): Run away! Run away!**

**All: Run away! **__****

**_(_****_Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the Knights retreat to cover with the odd cow or goose hitting them still. The Knights crouch down under cover.)_**

**T-Bone: Fiends! I'll tear them apart! **

**Feral (restraining T-Bone from lunging out and having a go): Pipe down, hotshot! **

**Hackle: Sir! I have a plan, sir. **__****

**_(On the battlements, female sentries peer suspiciously towards the English lines. Wind whistles. Emptiness. Wind. The female sentries peering into the dusk. During all this, the sounds of extensive carpentry have been herd, followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts of activity. Suddenly, the she-kats hear something: a faintly detectable squeaking, which is getting louder. Turmoil points. An enormous twenty-foot-high wooden frog is wheeled out of the undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle. The Knights scuttle back into the undergrowth. Turmoil looks at it, narrowing her eyes. Then she turns and leaves battlements. Feral and company watch from the bushes. The main gate of the castle opens a little and Turmoil's head sticks out, then a henchwoman's head, then another.)  _**

**Turmoil (muttering): Otkryvat vorota. **

**Henchwoman: What? **

**Turmoil: Nastoyashche vremya. **

**Henchwoman: What? **

**Turmoil: A present. **

**Henchwoman: Oh, nastoyashche vremya. **

**Turmoil: Da, da. Hurry. **

**Henchwoman: What? **

**Turmoil: Let's go. **

**Henchwoman: Oh. **

**Turmoil: Over here . . .**__****

**_(They mutter to each other, look rather pleased, then rush out and start to pull the giant frog in. Feral and company are behind some bushes watching.)_**

**Feral: What happens now? **

**Hackle: Well, now, uh, T-Bone, Razor, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the frog, taking the she-kats by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed! **

**Feral (pausing and considering): Who leaps out? **

**Hackle: Uh, T-Bone, Razor, and I. Uh . . . leap out of the frog, uh and uh . . . **

**Feral (groaning): Oh . . . **

**_(All groan and look frustrated)_**

**Hackle: Oh . . . Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden raccoon—**

**_(Feral cuffs him)_**

**_(There is a loud TWANG. All look to the battlements in horror.  The frog comes sailing over the battlements.)_**

**Feral: Run away! **

**All: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! **

**_(The frog lands on a page, squashing him) _ **

**Turmoil: Muahahaha! **

10) EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY 

**_(A jet-black CAT perches on a boulder outside a castle.  He speaks straight to the screen in a documentary kind of way. The caption reads: A Very Famous Historian.)_**

**Author: Action! **

**Nightwind: Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Feral. The ferocity of the Russian taunting took him completely by surprise, and Feral became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Feral, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did: T-Bone . . . **

**_(A KNIGHT rides into shot and kicks him to the ground, then rides off.  A middle-aged WOMAN in modern clothes emerges from the trees and looks in horror at her bruised, mewing pet.)_**

**Author's Mother:** Nightwind!


	3. Part Third

**_(An animated frame appears, with the words "The Tale of Sir Steele" on it. Pleasant pastoral music.) _**

**Narrator: The Tale of Sir Steele**

11) EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

**Narrator:** So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Steele rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels. 

**_(Steele is trotting along through a sun-dappled glade, followed by his trusty page banging the usual half-coconuts.  As they approach we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that Steele is followed by DAVID LITTERBIN and FUZZY. Litterbin sings and plays the tambourine, while Fuzzy bangs at a small drum and plays the pipes.)_**

**Litterbin (singing):** Bravely bold Sir Steele rode forth from Camelot. 

He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Steele. 

He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways. 

Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Steele! 

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp, 

Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken. 

To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away, 

And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Steele!

**_(Steele looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song, but the combination of the lyrics, and the large signs they pass reading "Beware", "Turn Back", "Certain Death", and the like, start to have effect . . .)_**

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,       

And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged, 

And his nostrils ripped and his tail burned off, 

And his –

**Steele:** Er, that's . . . uh, that's enough music for now, boys. Looks like there's dirty work afoot. 

**_(They go on in silence. Johnny and Ann go by carrying baskets of earth.)_**

**Johnny:** Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom. 

**Ann:** Oh, Johnny, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough dirt.

**_(They now pass three knights impaled to a tree, one lance through the lot of them. They are skewered up like a shish-kebab. Steele rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an enormous three-headed lady knight, FELINA FERAL.)_**

**All Heads:** Halt! Who art thou? 

**Litterbin (singing):** He is brave Sir Steele, brave Sir Steele –

**Steele (to Litterbin):** Shut up! **_(To Felina)_** Um, n-n-nobody really, I'm j-just um, just passing through. 

**All Heads:** What do you want? 

**Litterbin (singing):** To fight, and –

**Steele:** Shut up! Um, n-nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-j-ust to, um, just to p-pass through, good Lady. 

**All Heads:** I'm afraid not! 

**Steele:** Ah. W-well, actually . . . I am a Knight of the Round Table. 

**All Heads (surprised):** You're a Knight of the Round Table?! 

**Steele:** I am. 

**Right Head:** In that case I have to kill you. 

**Middle Head:** Do I? 

**Left Head:** Oh, I don't think so. 

**Middle:** Well, what do I think? 

**Right:** I think kill him. 

**Left:** Well let's be nice to him. 

**Middle:** Oh shut up. 

**Right:** Maybe – 

**Middle:** And you! 

**Right:** Quick, get the sword out! I wanna cut his head off! 

**Left:** Oh, cut your own head off! 

**Middle:** Yeah, do us all a favor! 

**Right:** What? 

**Left:** Yapping on all the time. 

**Middle:** You're lucky; you're not next to her. 

**Right:** What do you mean? 

**Middle:** You snore. 

**Right:** Oh I don't! Anyway, you've got bad breath. 

**Middle:** Well it's only because you don't brush my teeth. 

**Left:** Oh, stop bitching and let's go have coffee. 

**Right:** All right, all right, all right. We'll kill him first, and then have coffee and doughnuts.

**Middle:** Yes. 

**Left:** Oh, but not doughnuts.

**Right:** All right, all right, not doughnuts, but let's kill him anyway. 

**All Heads:** Right! 

**_(Felina looks around and sees that she's all alone.)_**

**Right:** He buggered off. 

**Left:** So he has, he's scampered. 

**_(Steele and company are moving away through the forest. Fuzzy is playing happy and triumphant music.) _**

**Litterbin (singing brightly):** Brave Sir Steele ran away . . .

**Steele (unhappy):** No! 

**Litterbin (singing):** Bravely ran away, away . . .

**Steele:** I didn't! 

**Litterbin (singing):** When danger reared its ugly head, 

He bravely turned his tail and fled. 

**Steele:** No! 

**Litterbin (singing):** Yes Brave Sir Steele turned about,

**Steele:** I didn't! 

**Litterbin (singing):** And gallantly he chickened out. 

Bravely taking to his feet,

**Steele: **I never did! 

**Litterbin (singing):** He beat a very brave retreat

**Steele:** Oh, lie! 

**Litterbin (singing):** Bravest of the brave, Sir Steele . . .

**Steele: **I never! 

**_(They disappear into the distance)_**

12) ANIMATION: "THE TALE OF SIR RAZOR"

**Narrator:** The Tale of Sir Razor

13) EXT. – STORM – FOREST – DUSK

**_(As the storm rages, Razor forces his way through brambles and over slippery rocks.  Progress is hard. Though obviously injured he bravely struggles forward a little and regains his feet reacting with pain. He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around . . . A flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge castle, looking rather derelict. Suddenly, the voices of angels fill the air, and Razor sees the shining image of a grail atop the castle. He races eagerly forward and reaches the enormous doors of the castle, and beats on the doors.  Pause. He beats again, shouting.)_******

**Razor:** Open the door! Open the door! **_(Pounds harder)_** In the name of King Feral, open the door!

**_(Rattling and clanking noises are heard as bolts are drawn back. The doors swing open, and Razor staggers inside. He falls to the floor as the doors slam closed behind him. Razor looks back at the doors, reacting to the fact that he is trapped.)_******

**Female Voices:** Hello! 

**_(Razor turns back, to see the lovely CALLIE BRIGGS standing before him, with a group of beautiful white-clad she-kats behind her, smiling sweetly.)_**

**Callie:** Welcome, gentle Sir Knight! Welcome to the Castle Rabies. 

**Razor (uncertain):** The Castle Rabies? 

**Callie:** Yes . . . oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice! And we shall attend to your every, every need! 

**Razor:** You are the keepers of the Holy Grail? 

**Callie:** The what? 

**Razor:** The Grail; it is here?!

**Callie:** Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Susan! Marie! 

**_(Two SHE-KATS emerge from the crowd behind her)_**

**Susan & Marie:** Yes, oh Callie! 

**Callie:** Prepare a bed for our guest. 

**Susan & Marie (groveling with delight):** Oh thank you thank you thank you . . .

**Callie:** Away, away, obsessive ones! **_(To Razor)_** The beds here are warm and soft . . . and very, very big. 

**Razor (getting to his feet): **Well, look, I-I-uh . . . 

**Callie:** What is your name, handsome knight? 

**Razor:** Sir Razor . . . the Chaste. 

**Callie:** Mine is Callie . . . just Callie. (Presses herself to him) Oh, but come! 

**Razor:** Look, please! In the Tremblays' name, show me the Grail! 

**Callie:** Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! 

**Razor:** L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the—

**Callie:** Sir Razor! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality? 

**Razor:** Well, I-I-uh . . .

**_(Callie starts leading him through the castle)_**

**Callie:** Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eightscore young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and twenty-nine-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, making pink underwear . . . 

**_(They reach the end of the corridor and Callie leads him into the bedchamber)_**

We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. 

**_(She sees him limping) _**

Oh, but you are wounded! 

**Razor:** No, no, it's nothing! 

**Callie:** Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down. 

**_(She claps, and _****_almost forces him to lie on the bed as TWO SHE-KATS enter the room. They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically. They approach Razor.)_**

**Marya:** Well, what seems to be the trouble? 

**Razor (shocked):** They're doctors?! 

**Callie:** Uh, they've had a basic medical training, yes. 

**Razor:** But – 

**Callie:** Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Marya, Doctor Zsa-Zsa, practice your art.

**_(Callie exits)_**

**Zsa-Zsa:** Try to relax. 

**Razor:** Are you sure that's absolutely necessary? 

**Marya:** We must examine you. 

**Razor:** There's nothing wrong with that! 

**Marya (slightly irritated):** Please, we are doctors. 

**_(Razor tries to relax as the doctors examine him, but he quickly sits up and starts to get off the bed, collecting his armor) _**

**Razor:** Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity! 

**Marya:** Back to your bed! 

**Razor:** Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail! 

**Marya:** There's no Grail here. 

**Razor:** I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen—

**_(Razor hurries to the door and pushes through it.  As he leaves the room, he suddenly turns and sees that he is now in a room full of bathing and romping she-kats, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful.)  _**

**She-Kats:** Hello. 

**Razor:** Oh – 

**_(They smile enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs.) _**

**Various She-Kats:** Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. 

**_(Razor nods to them stiffly once or twice. As he reaches the door, a SHE-KAT swoops in front of him, blocking his way. She looks identical to Callie except for a beauty mark on her cheek and her lack of glasses.)_**

**Razor:** Callie! 

**Callista:** No, I am Callie's identical twin sister, Callista. 

**Razor:** Oh, well, excuse me, I—

**Callista:** Where are you going? 

**Razor:** I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle! 

**Callista (after pausing and thinking):** Oh no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Callie! 

**Razor:** What is it? 

**Callista:** Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Callie! . . . She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. 

**Razor (very upset):** It's not the real Grail?!

**Callista:** Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Callie! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Rabies, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed . . . and spank her! 

**She-Kats:** A spanking! A spanking! 

**Callista:** You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then . . . spank me. 

**Various She-Kats:** And spank me! And me! And me! 

**Callista:** Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking! 

**She-Kats:** A spanking! A spanking! 

**Callista:** And after the spanking, the obligatory lemon. 

**She-Kats:** Lemon! Lemon!

**Razor:** Well, I could stay a BIT longer . . . 

**_(_****_At this moment there is a commotion, and T-Bone and several random knights burst into the bathing area with swords drawn. They form themselves round Razor, threatening the she-kats.)_**

**T-Bone: **Sir Razor! 

**Razor:** Oh, hello. 

**T-Bone:** Quick! 

**Razor:** What? 

**T-Bone:** Hurry! 

**_(He grabs Razor and starts dragging him to the door)_**

**Razor:** Why? 

**T-Bone:** You're in great peril! 

**Callista:** No he isn't! 

**T-Bone:** Silence, foul temptress! 

**_(Lunges at Callista) _**

**Razor:** Now look, it's not important. 

**T-Bone:** Hurry! Come on and we'll cover your escape! 

**Razor:** Look, I'm fine! 

**T-Bone:** Come on! 

**Razor:** Look, I can tackle this bunch single-handed! 

**Callista:** Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed! 

**She-Kats:** Yes! Tackle us single-handed! 

**T-Bone:** No, Sir Razor, come on! 

**Razor:** No, really, honestly, I can cope. I can handle them easily! 

**Callista:** Oh, yes, let him handle us easily. 

**She-Kats:** Yes, yes! 

**Razor:** Wait! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred and fifty of them! 

**Callista:** Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily! We haven't a chance! 

**She-Kats:** Yes, yes! 

**_(The door booms closed) _**

**Callista:** Oh crud.

**_(CUT to outside the castle. T-Bone has gotten Razor out and is hustling him along.)_**

**T-Bone:** We were just in time, you were in great peril! 

**Razor (dragging his feet):** I don't think I was. 

**T-Bone: **Yes you were, you were in terrible peril! 

**Razor:** Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. 

**T-Bone:** No, it's too perilous. 

**Razor: **Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can! 

**T-Bone:** No, we gotta find the Holy Grail. Come on! 

**Razor:** Well, let me have just a little bit of peril? 

**T-Bone:** No, it's unhealthy. 

**Razor:** Bet you're gay! 

**T-Bone:** No I'm not. 

**_("The Book of the Film" now shows a photo of the scene that just occurred)_**

**Narrator:** Sir T-Bone had saved Sir Razor from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. 

**_(Sunshine turns the page, to show a photo of a dilapidated hut in a field near a forest. There is no description on the page, only the words "Scene 14".)_**

**Narrator:** Meanwhile, King Feral and Sir Hackle, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow's flights away - four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging the coconut – 

**_(A large group of KATS, males and females of many ages, all wearing modern clothes, are sitting on a gigantic couch.)_**

**Fans:** Get on with it! 

**Narrator:** Oh, anyway, on to scene fourteen, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Feral discovers a vital clue, in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling – **_(whack and yowling sound)_**

14) INT. – THE HUT

**_(Feral and Hackle are seated before a cloaked, green-eyed LENNY RINGTAIL, who is crouched down, cackling evilly)_**

**Ringtail:** Ah, hee he he ha! 

**Feral:** And this "enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the Grail? 

**Ringtail:** Ha ha he he he he! 

**Feral:** Where does he live? Old kat, where does he live? 

**Ringtail:** He knows of a cave; a cave which no kat has entered. 

**Feral:** And the Grail . . . The Grail is there? 

**Ringtail:** There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no kat has ever crossed. 

**Feral (insistently):** But the Grail! Where is the Grail!? 

**Ringtail:** Seek you the Bridge of Death. 

**Feral:** The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail? 

**Ringtail:** Hee hee ha ha! 

**_(As Ringtail cackles, he and the hut around him vanish. Feral and Hackle are left, bewildered, in the middle of the forest.)_**

15) INT. – FOREST – DAY

**_(Feral and Hackle make their way slowly through the dark, misty forest. There is the occasional snap of a twig and the sound of a footfall. Eerie music plays. The footfalls grow nearer. Feral looks around in fear. Suddenly, Feral and Hackle freeze. Before them stands MUTILOR. His helmet is decorated with fake-looking orange antlers and his visor is open.) _**

**Mutilor:** Ni! 

**Various Aliens:** Ni! Ni! Ni! 

**_(Feral and Hackle recoil in fear)_**

**Feral:** Who are you? 

**Mutilor:** We are the Extra-Terrestrials Who Say . . . Ni! 

**Feral:** No! Not the Extra-Terrestrials Who Say Ni! 

**Mutilor:** The same! 

**Hackle:** Who are they? 

**Mutilor:** We are the keepers of the sacred words: Ni, Ping, and Nuu-wom! 

**Random Alien:** Nuu-wom! 

**Feral (to Hackle):** Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale! 

**Mutilor:** The Extra-Terrestrials Who Say Ni demand a sacrifice! 

**Feral:** Extra-Terrestrials of Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods – 

**Mutilor & Aliens:** Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! 

**Feral and party:** Oh, ow! 

**Mutilor: **We shall say "ni" again to you if you do not appease us. 

**Feral:** Well, what do you want? 

**Mutilor:** We want . . . a water garden! 

**_(Dramatic chord) _**

**Feral: **What?! 

**Mutilor:** Ni! 

**Feral and party (recoiling):** Oh, ow! 

**Feral:** Please, please! No more! We will find a water garden. 

**Mutilor:** You must return here with a water garden, or else you will never pass through this wood alive! 

**Feral:** O Knights of Ni, you are just and fair, and we will return with a water garden. 

**Mutilor:** One that's nice and wet. 

**Feral:** Of course. 

**Mutilor:** And not too expensive. 

**Feral:** Yes. 

**Mutilor:** Now . . . go! 

**_(Feral and Hackle turn and ride off)_**


	4. Part Fourth

16) EXTERIOR - DAY 

**_(Back in the glade, the Author's Mother has picked up poor kicked Nightwind, and is on the ground cradling him. She rises as random Enforcers enter the glade. They bend over Nightwind and begin to ask him questions.) _**

**Officer 1: And you were just sitting here innocently when someone kicked you?**

**Nightwind: That's it exactly. ****_(coughs)_**

**Officer 2 (shaking head): This would never happen if we had a leader. ****__**

**_(One Enforcer takes out a notebook. We move to an animated title - "The Tale of Sir T-Bone")_**

**Narrator: The Tale of Sir T-Bone. **

17) EXT. – CASTLE – DAY

**_(A sturdy castle, surrounded by marshy-looking fields and woods. No one is around.)_**

18) INT. - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY****

**_(DR. N. ZYME is gazing out of a castle window. DR. VIPER stands beside him, also looking out.)_**

**Viper: One day Zyme, all thissss will be ours! **

**Zyme: What, the curtains? **

**Viper (smacks Zyme impatiently): No, not the curtains, fool! ****_(Indicates the vista from the window)_ All that you can ssssee, sssstretched out over the hills and valleys of thissss land! That'll be my kingdom! **

**Zyme: But Purvis . . .**

**Viper: Viper, fool, Viper! **

**Zyme: But Viper, I don't want any of that. **

**Viper: Lissssten. I built thissss kingdom up from nothing. When I sssstarted here, all there was was sssswamp. Other kings ssssaid I was daft to build a casssstle in a sssswamp, but I built it all the ssssame, jusssst to show 'em. It ssssank into the sssswamp. Ssso, I built a ssssecond one. That ssssank into the sssswamp. Ssso I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then ssssank into the sssswamp. But the fourth one sssstayed up! And that's what I'm going have: the sssstrongesssst casssstle in these islands. **

**Zyme: But I don't want any of that. I'd rather . . .**

**Viper: Rather what?! **

**Zyme: I'd rather . . . just . . . **

**_(Music begins to play)_ **

. . . sing! 

**Viper: Sssstop that, sssstop that! **

**_(The music stops)_ **

You're not going to do a ssssong while I'm here! Now lissssten; in twenty minutes, you're getting married to a she-kat whose father owns the biggesssst tracts of open land in Britain. 

**Zyme: But I don't want land. **

**Viper: Listen, Eiding . . . **

**Zyme: Zyme. **

**Viper: Zyme . . . I'm trying to turn the whole world into a bloody sssswamp! I need all the land I can get! **

**Zyme: But I don't like her! **

**Viper: Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got HUGE . . . tractsss of land. **

**Zyme: I know . . . but I want the she-kat that I marry to have . . . a certain . . . special . . . **

**_(Music) _**

. . . something . . . 

**Viper: Cut that out, cut that out! Look, you're marrying Princcccesssss Kataluna, sssso you'd better get ussssed to the idea! **

**_(Smacks Zyme irritably)_ **

Guardsss! 

**_(SELBY and his partner enter and stand on either side of the door. Guard 2 has hiccups.)_**

Make sure Dr. Zyme doesn't leave thissss room until I come and get him. 

**Selby: Not to leave the room, even if you come and get him. **

**Guard 2: Hic! **

**Viper: No, no. Until I come and get him. **

**Selby: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room. **

**Viper: No, no, no. You sssstay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.**

**Selby: And you'll come and get him. **

**Guard 2: Hic! **

**Viper: Right. **

**Selby: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.**

**Viper: No, no, leaving the room. **

**Selby: Leaving the room, yes. **

**Viper: All right? **

**Selby: Right. **__****

**_(Viper starts to leave)_**

**Selby: Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we . . . ****_(trying to remember what he was going to say)_**

**Viper: Yessss, what is it? **__****

**Selby: Oh, if-if, oh . . .**

**Viper: Look, it's quite ssssimple. **

**Selby: Uh . . . **

**Viper: You jusssst sssstay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room. All right?**

**Guard 2: Hic! **

**Viper: Right. **

**Selby: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us? **

**Viper (carefully): No, no, no. You jusssst keep him in here, and make sure—**

**Selby: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him—**

**Viper: No, no, jusssst keep him in here—**

**Selby: Until you, or anyone else -- **

**Viper: No, not anyone elsssse, jusssst me—**

**Selby: Just you. **

**Guard 2: Hic! **

**Viper: Get back. **

**Selby: Get back. **

**Viper: Right? **

**Selby: Right, we'll stay here until you get back. **

**Viper: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave. **

**Selby: What? **

**Viper: Make sure he doesn't leave. **

**Selby: The doc? **

**Viper: Yessss, make sure he doesn't leave. **

**Selby: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him! **

**_(He points to Guard 2 and laughs to himself) _**

Y'know, it seemed a bit dumb, me having to guard him when he's a guard. 

**Viper: Is that clear? **

**Guard 2: Hic! **

**Selby: Oh, very clear, no problems. **

**Viper: Right. **

**_(He pulls open the door and starts to leave. The guards follow him.)_**

Where are you going? 

**Selby: We're coming with you. **

**Viper: No, no, I want you to sssstay here and make sure he doesn't leave. **

**Selby: Oh, I see. Right. **__****

**_(They take up positions on either side of the door)_**

**Zyme: But Viper! **

**Viper (to Zyme): Shut your noise, you! And get that ssssuit on! ****__**

**_(Viper points to a wedding suit on a chair. He throws one last look at Zyme and turns, goes out, and slams the door. Zyme slumps onto the window seat, looking forlornly out of the window. Music intro to song . . . The door flies open, and the music cuts off as Viper pokes his head in.)_**

**Viper: And no ssssinging!**

**Guard 2: Hic! **

**Viper (to Guard 2, as he exits): Oh, go get a glasssss of water. ****__**

**_(Viper slams the door again.  The guards take up their positions. Zyme gazes out of the window again . . .  sighs . . . thinks . . . a thought strikes him. He gets up, crosses to his desk, scribbles a quick note, and impales it on an arrow. He takes a bow down from the wall . . . and fires the arrow out of the window. He looks wetly defiant at the guards, who smile pleasantly.)_**

****

19) EXT. – A FOREST - DAY

**_(The middle of the forest. T-Bone is riding along with a trusty servant, Hard Drive.)_**

**T-Bone (enthusiastically): Well taken, Hard Drive! **

**Hard Drive: Thank you, sir! Most kind. **

**T-Bone: And again . . . **

**_(He strides over to a big log, and his "horse" runs and jumps)_**

Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one . . . 

**_(He jumps. Hard Drive misses the beat.)_**

Ooof! Come on, Hard Drive!

**_(Hard Drive does the run-up with the coconuts.  He does the break for the leap . . . there is a THWACK. T-Bone is waiting for the horse to land.)_**

**Hard Drive: You've got mail, sir.**

**_(He falls forward, revealing the arrow with the note embedded in his chest) _**

**T-Bone: Hard Drive! Hard Drive, speak to me! **

**_(T-Bone realizes that he might be in danger and starts to crawl off . . . when he spies the note. He pulls it off and reads it.)_**

**T-Bone (reading): "To whomever finds this note, I have been . . . ****_(grows excited)_ imprisoned by my former assistant, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." **

**_(T-Bone's eyes light up with inspiration)_**

At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! 

**_(Draws his sword and gets up)_ **

Brave, brave Hard Drive! You shall not have died in vain!

**Hard Drive: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir. **

**T-Bone (a little deflated): Well, you shall not have been . . . mortally wounded in vain! **

**Hard Drive: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir. **

**T-Bone: Oh, I see. **

**Hard Drive: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you—**

**T-Bone: No, no, sweet Hard Drive! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular . . . ****_(sighs) _**

**Hard Drive: Idiom, sir? **

**T-Bone: Idiom! **

**Hard Drive: No, I feel fine, actually, sir. **

**T-Bone: Farewell, never-dying Hard Drive! **

**_(Leaps off dramatically)_**

**Hard Drive: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.**

20) INT. – CASTLE HALL – DAY

**_(The wedding is being prepared. The musicians are playing, the dancers are dancing, the guests are chatting happily, and various other sweet, flowery scenes.)_**

21) EXT. – CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY**__**

**_(Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram: "N & K". Two sentries with red ribbons on their spears and flowered helmets. We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music. We hear T-Bone's footsteps.  The sentries are watching him, bored. Suddenly, T-Bone leaps up with a mighty cry, runs the sentry through, and hacks him to the floor. Blood. Dramatic, swashbuckling music. T-Bone races through into the castle, screaming.)_**

**T-Bone: Ha-ha! etc. **

**_(Inside of the castle grounds in the sunlight, beautifully dressed wedding guests are arriving, converging on a doorway.  A country dance in progress. T-Bone rushes towards them. He charges through the crowd, hacking right and left at all who come in his way. He fights his way through the country dance. Blood. Shrieks. Bemused looks of guests - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise. One dancer is left holding just a paw. Right and left the guests crumple in pools of blood as he fights his way through the door and into the main hall.)_**

****

22) INTERIOR - DAY

**_(In the  main hall, there are sounds of busy preparations.  Kats setting up huge hogsheads of milk.  Kats putting up last minute flower arrangements. Cooks bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's head, etc. The bride, KATALUNA _((whatever she was supposed to look like))**_, is being dressed by several attendants. Viper is ordering servants around - organizing the stewards, etc. T-Bone bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically, hacking, wounding and killing. Guests stagger back wounded - a cook bites the dust, etc. T-Bone eventually reaches the staircase . . . runs up it and into a small door.)_****

****

23 INTERIOR - DAY**__**

**_(T-Bone runs up a spiral staircase.  He reaches the door of Zyme's room. He flings it open.)_**

**Selby: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're – **

**_(T-Bone runs him through, grabs his spear, and uses it to stab Guard 2, who collapses with one last hiccup. T-Bone runs to the window and kneels before Zyme, lowering his head.)_ **

**T-Bone: O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir T-Bone of Camelot. I have come to take – **

**_(Looks up for the first time, and his voice trails away)_**

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

**Zyme: You got my note! **

**T-Bone (hesitating): Uh, well, I got _a_ note . . .**

**Zyme: You've come to rescue me! **

**T-Bone: Uh, well, no, you see—**

**Zyme: I knew that someone would! I knew that somewhere out there, there must be . . . **

**_(Music intro)_**

. . . someone . . . 

**Viper (suddenly looking in the door): Sssstop that, sssstop that, sssstop it! Sssstop it!**

**_(Music cuts off. Viper sees T-Bone standing before Zyme.)_**

**Viper: Who are you? **

**Zyme: I'm your boss! **

**Viper: No, not _you_. **

**T-Bone: I'm Sir T-Bone, sir. **

**Zyme: He's come to rescue me, Viper. **

**T-Bone (embarrassed): Well, let's not jump to conclusions. **

**Viper: Did you kill all the guards? **

**T-Bone: Uh . . . oh, yeah. Sorry. **

**Viper: They cosssst fifty pounds each! **

**T-Bone: Well, I'm really sorry, I'm . . . I really can explain everything. **

**Zyme: Don't be afraid of him, Sir T-Bone! I've got a rope all ready! **

**_(Zyme ties a rope made of bed sheets to a table leg. He throws the other end of the rope out the window, and looks pleased with himself for being ready.)  _**

**Viper: You killed eight wedding guessssts in all!**

**T-Bone: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your boss was a lady. **

**Viper: I can undersssstand _that_. **

**Zyme (climbing out the window): Hurry, Sir T-Bone! Hurry! **

**Viper (to Zyme): Shut up! **_(To T-Bone)_** You only killed the bride's father, that's all! **

**T-Bone: Well, I really didn't mean to . . . **

**Viper: Didn't mean to?! You put your ssssword right through his head! **

**T-Bone: Oh, dear. Is he all right? **

**Viper: You even kicked the bride in the chesssst! Thissss is going to cosssst me a fortune! **

**T-Bone: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see—**

**Viper (suddenly interested): Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot? **

**Zyme (peeping over the windowsill): Hurry, Sir T-Bone! **

**T-Bone: Uh, I am a Knight of King Feral, sir. **

**Viper: Pretty nicccce casssstle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good mushroom country . . . **

**T-Bone: Is it? **

**Zyme (out of vision): Hurry, I'm ready! **

**Viper: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink? **

**T-Bone: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you. **

**Zyme (loud and shrill): I am ready! **

**T-Bone: I mean to be, so understanding . . .**__****

**_(_****_As they walk past the rope, Viper nonchalantly cuts with his claws. There is no sound except after a pause. A slight squeal from very far away as Zyme makes contact with the ground.) _**

**T-Bone: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away. **

**Viper: Oh, don't worry about that. **

**_(He puts his arm around T-Bone's shoulders as they go through the door)_**

24) INTERIOR - DAY

**_(In the great hall, guests, wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead and injured, sighs and groans. Kataluna in her white wedding dress is holding her chest and coughing. People are dabbing the stains off her dress. Viper and T-Bone start to walk down the grand staircase, chatting to each other.)_**

**Viper (gesturing): Well, thissss is the main hall. We're going to have all thissss knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.**

**_(One of the guests notices and points to T-Bone)_**

**Guest: There he is! **

**Viper: Oh crud. **

**_(All remaining able-bodied kats look up and make for the staircase, muttering angrily. T-Bone grabs his sword. Viper tries to halt him, but it is too late. T-Bone cannot be stopped. With fearless abandon he throws himself into the crowd and starts hacking and slashing. He has carved quite a number up before the Viper can stop him and pulls him back onto the stairs. Renewed groans and cries.)_**

**Viper (shouting above noise): Hold it, hold it! Pleassse! **

**T-Bone: Sorry, sorry. **_(With bitter self-reproach) _**See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really have to -- sorry, sorry! **_(To crowd)_** Sorry, everyone. **

**Guest: He's killed the best man! **

**_(The crowd resumes yelling angrily)_**

**Viper: Hold it, pleassse! Hold it! Thissss is Ssssir T-Bone from the court of Camelot: a very brave and influential knight, and my sssspecial guesssst here today. **

**T-Bone: Hello. **

**Guest: He killed my auntie! **

**_(More angry yelling) _**

**Viper: Pleassse, pleassse! This is ssssupposssed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witnesssss the union of two people in the joyful bond of holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my former bosssss N. Zyme, has jusssst fallen to his death. **

**_(Murmurs from crowd. Kataluna smiles with relief.)_**

But I don't want to think I've losssst a bosssss, sssso much as . . . gained a partner! 

**_(Smattering of APPLAUSE)_**

For, ssssincccce the tragic death of her father –

**Shout From Back: He's not quite dead! **

**Viper (hesitates): Ssssincccce the . . . near-fatal wounding of her father –**

**Random: He's getting better! **

**_(Viper nods discreetly to a plantimal on one side. The plantimal slips off. Viper's eyes watch it move round to where the voice came from.)_**

**Viper: For, ssssincccce her own father, who, when he sssseemed about to recover, ssssuddenly felt the iccccy hand of death upon him . . . **

**_(A scuffle at the back)_**

**Shout From Back: Oh, he's died! **

**Viper: I want his only daughter to look upon me . . . as her partner in crime, in a very real, and illegally binding ssssensssse. **

**_(Applause)_**

And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the Princesssss and the brave, but dangeroussss, Ssssir T-Bone of Camelot . . . 

**T-Bone (startled): What? **

**_(A collective gasp from the crowd)_**

**Guest: Look! The dead Zyme! **

**_(In comes Hard Drive carrying Zyme in his arms)_**

**Hard Drive: He's not quite dead. **

**Zyme: Oh, I feel much better. **

**Viper (angrily): You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep! **

**Zyme: No, I was saved at the last minute. **

**Viper: How?! **

**Zyme: Well, I'll tell you . . .**

**_(Hard Drive stands Zyme to his feet. Music intro.)_**

**Viper: Not like that! Not like that! No, sssstop it! **

**_(But the music doesn't stop, and the crowd begins to sing)_**

**Crowd (singing): He's going to tell! He's going to tell!**

**Viper (screaming): Shut up! **

**Crowd (singing): He's going to tell! He's going to tell!**

He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

He's going to tell! He's going to tell!

**Hard Drive: Quickly, sir! Come this way! **

**T-Bone: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more . . . ****_(sighs)_ **

**Hard Drive: Dramatically, sir? **

**T-Bone: Dramatically! **

**Crowd (singing): He's going to tell! He's going to tell!**

He's going to tell about his great escape.

Oh he fell a long, long way

But he's here with us today

What a wonderful escape!

**_(Hard Drive goes. T-Bone runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope off the wall, and swings out over the heads of the crowd in a swashbuckling manner, towards a large window.  He stops just short of the window and is left swinging pathetically back and forth.)_**

**T-Bone: Excuse me, could, uh . . . could somebody give me a push, please . . .? **


	5. Part Fifth

25) EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK**__**

**_(The OLD LADY whose car is always broken is standing by the roadside. Feral and Hackle and two pages ride up and draw up alongside the old lady.)_**

**Feral: Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a water garden?**

**_(Dramatic chord. The old crone stares at them with a look of stark terror.)_**

**Crone: Who sent you? **

**Feral: The Extra-Terrestrials Who Say Ni! **

**Crone: Agh! **_(She looks around in fear)_** No! Never! We have no gardens here. **

**Feral (insistently): If you do not tell us where we can buy a water garden, my friend and I will say . . . we shall say . . . "Ni!" **

**Crone: Agh! **_(Cowers)_** Do your worst! **

**Feral: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily . . . Ni! **

**Crone: No! Never! No gardens! **

**Feral: Ni! **

**Hackle: Nu! Nu! **

**Feral (to Hackle): No, no, no, no -- it's not that, it's "Ni!" **

**Hackle: Nu! **

**Feral: No, no, "Ni!" You're not doing it properly. **

**Hackle: Nu! Ni! **

**Feral: That's it, that's it. You've got it. **

**Feral & Hackle (to crone): Ni! Ni! **__****

**_(DR. LIETER GREENBOX passes by. He stops, observing them.)_**

**Greenbox: Are you saying "Ni" to that old she-kat? **

**Feral: Um . . . yes. **

**Greenbox (sorrowfully): Oh, what sad times are these, when passing ruffians can say "Ni" at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design gardens are under considerable economic stress at this period in history. **

**Feral (suddenly interested): Did you say "gardens"? **

**Greenbox: Yes. Gardens are my trade. I am a gardener. My name is Lieter the Gardener. I arrange, design, and sell gardens. **

**Hackle (aggressively, to Greenbox): Ni! **

**Feral: No! No, no, no! No!**

26) EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK

**_(The glade in the forest again)_**

**Feral: Extra-Terrestrials of Ni, we have brought you your water garden. May we go now?**

**Mutilor: That is a good water garden. I like the lily pads particularly. But there is one small problem. **

**Feral: What is that? **

**Mutilor: We are now . . . no longer the Extra-Terrestrials Who Say Ni! **

**Random Alien: Ni! **

**Mutilor (to alien): Sh! Sh! **_(To Feral)_** We are now the Extra-Terrestrials Who Say . . . Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoom-boing-ni! **

**Random Alien: Ni! **

**Mutilor: Therefore, we must give you a test. **

**Feral: What is this test, O Extra-Terrestrials of . . . ****_(hesitates and quickly considers)_ . . . ETs Who 'Til Recently Said Ni?**

**Mutilor: Firstly, you must find . . . another water garden! **

**_(Dramatic chord) _**

**Feral (angrily): Not another water garden! **

**Mutilor: Then, when you have found the water garden, you must place the water garden here, beside this water garden, only slightly lower so you get a two-level effect with a little bridge running down the middle. **

**Random: A bridge! A bridge! Ni! **

**Mutilor: Then, when you have found the water garden, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest . . . wiiiiiiith . . . a herring! **

**_(Dramatic chord. Mutilor holds up an alien fish.)_**

**Feral: We shall do no such thing! **

**Mutilor (beseeching): Oh, please! **

**Feral: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can't be done!**

**_(Mutilor and the other aliens recoil in horror)_**

**Other Aliens: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! **

**Mutilor: Don't say that word! **

**Feral: What word? **

**Mutilor: I cannot tell! Suffice to say, is one of the words the Extra-Terrestrials Who Say Ni cannot hear! **

**Feral: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is? **

**Aliens (cringing in fear): Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! **

**Feral: What, "is"? **

**Mutilor (scornfully): No, not "is"! We couldn't get vary far in life not saying "is". **

**_(Suddenly, singing is heard from deep in the forest)_**

**Hackle: My liege, it's Sir Steele! **__****

**_(_****_Steele and his entourage enter the clearing. Litterbin and Fuzzy are going on cheerfully as usual and Steele walks in front of them, continually embarrassed at their presence.)_**

**Litterbin (singing): Packing it in and packing it up **

And sneaking away and buggering off

And chickening out and pissing about 

Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge . . .

**Feral (loudly): Steele! **

**Steele (startled): My liege! Uh . . . it's good to see you! **

**Aliens: Aaaaugh! **

**Mutilor: He said the word! **

**Feral: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail? **

**Litterbin (singing): He is sneaking away and buggering off . . .**

**Steele (to Litterbin): Shut up! **_(To Feral)_** No, no. Far from it. **

**Mutilor: He said the word again! **

**Steele: I was looking for it. **

**Aliens: Aaaaugh! **

**Steele (a little perturbed by the Aliens of Ni): Uh, here . . . here in this forest. **

**Feral: No, it is far from –**

**Aliens: Aaaaugh! **

**Mutilor: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! **

**Feral (losing his patience with the aliens): Oh, stop it! ****__**

**_(_****_Terrific confusion amongst the ETs of Ni, they roll on the ground covering their ears. Mutilor remains standing, trying to control his aliens.)_**

**Aliens: Aaaaugh! **

**Mutilor: Oh! He said it again! **

**Feral: Sergeant! **__****

**_(Feral beckons to Hackle and Steele, and they pick their way through the helpless ETs of Ni, away into the forest)_**

**Mutilor: Wait, I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again! **

**Aliens: Aaaaugh! **

28) EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION

**_(Feral and co. ride out of the forest.  They leave the forest and meet T-Bone and Razor.)_**

**Narrator: And so Feral and Hackle and Sir Steele set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old kat had spoken in Scene 14. Beyond the forest they met T-Bone and Razor, and there was much rejoicing. **

**All: Yay! Yay! **

29) EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION

**Narrator: In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Steele's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. **

**_(The Knights ride on)_**

**Narrator: A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day . . . **

30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY**__**

**_(The Knights are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild and inhospitable.  Suddenly, some of them see fire in the distance and ride towards it.)_**

**Feral: Knights! Forward!**__****

**_(As they approach, they see THE PASTMASTER striding around conjuring up fire from the ground with his watch, causing various bushes and branches to burst into flame)_**

**Feral: What manner of kat are you, that can summon up fire without flint or tinder? **

**Pastmaster: I . . . am an enchanter. **

**_(Feral looks at Hackle for a moment)_**

**Feral (to Pastmaster): By what name are you known? **

**Pastmaster: There are some who call me . . . Pasty? **

**Feral: Greetings, Pasty the Enchanter. **

**Pastmaster: Greetings, King Feral! **

**Feral (surprised): You know my name? **

**Pastmaster: I do. **_(Does another fire trick)_** You seek the Holy Grail! **

**Feral: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Pasty. **

**Pastmaster: Quite.**

**_(Does another fire trick. Ripple of applause from the Knights.)_ **

**Feral: Yes, we're, we're looking for the Holy Grail. ****_(Clears throat very quietly)_ Our quest is to find the Holy Grail. **

**Knights (variously): Yeah, It is, yes, yup, yup, yeah hmm. **

**Feral: And so we're, we're, we're, we're looking for it. **

**Knights: Yes we are we are. **

**Hackle: We have been for some time. **

**Steele: Ages. **

**Feral: Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be very . . . helpful. **

**Razor: Look, can you tell us where – **

**_(Pastmaster does another fire trick)_ **

**Feral: Fine, um, I don't want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don't suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh—**

**Pastmaster: A what? **

**Feral: A g-, a g-**

**Pastmaster: A grail?! **__****

**_(Knights all jump slightly and look about apprehensively)_**

**Feral: Yes, I think so. **

**Knights (variously): Yes, that's it. Yes. **

**Pastmaster: Yes! **

**Knights: Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.**__****

**_(Pastmaster does several particularly impressive fire tricks) _**

**Feral: Look, you're a busy kat, uh—**

**Pastmaster: Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail. **

**_(Slight pause)_**

**Knights: Oh, thank you. **

**Pastmaster: To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Caerbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Lord Young of Siam . . .**

**_(There is a thunderclap, and a wind starts.  The Knights get nervous.)_**

. . . Make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

**Feral: Where could we find this cave, O Pasty? **

**Pastmaster: Follow! **

**_(The Knights register delight and wheel round on themselves)_**

But! Follow only if ye be kats of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no kat yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of full fifty kats lie strewn about its lair! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further! For death awaits you all, with nasty big pointy teeth! 

**Feral: What an eccentric performance. **

31) EXTERIOR - DAY

**_(An impressive rock face with caves in it.  The Knights are "riding" towards it. A foreboding atmosphere supervenes. Pastmaster gives a signal for quietness. Feral shushes the "horses".)_**

**Feral: Sh!**

**_(The pages decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them including whinnying.)_**

**Razor (to Feral): They're nervous, sire **

**Feral: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount! **

**_(They walk on, leaving the pages behind. Unbeknownst to them, as soon as they are out of view, all the pages quietly trot off, led by the Sergeant, whispering amongst themselves.)_**

**Sergeant: Finally, they're gone! Now's our chance!**

**Another Page (evil grin): Excellent! **__****

**_(Back to the Knights. After a few more strides the Pastmaster halts them with a sign.)_**

**Pastmaster: Behold, the cave of Caerbannog! **__****

**_(_****_Bones are littered around the cave entrance. The Knights get the wind up partially. A little mist can be seen at the entrance. Suddenly we become aware of total silence. Any noises the Knights make sound very exaggerated. They unsheathe their swords.)_**

**Feral: Right! Keep me covered. **

**Razor: What with? **

**Feral: Just keep me covered. **

**Pastmaster: Too late! **__****

**_(A terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise)_**

**Feral: What? **

**Pastmaster: There he is! **__****

**_(They all turn, and see a small green frog hop a few yards out of the cave)_**

**Feral: Where? **

**Pastmaster: There! **

**Feral: What, behind the frog? **

**Pastmaster: It is the frog! ******

**_(A moment's pause)_******

**Feral: You silly sod! You got us all worked up! **

**Pastmaster: Well, that's no ordinary frog! That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered amphibian you ever set eyes on! **

**Steele: You tit! I soiled my armor, I was so scared! **

**Pastmaster: Look, that frog's got a vicious streak a mile wide, it's a killer! **

**Razor: Go choke on a hairball! **

**Pastmaster: It'll do you up a treat, lad! **

**Razor: Oh yeah?! **

**Steele: You mangy skeleton midget! **

**Pastmaster: I'm warning you! **

**Steele: What's he do, give you warts? **

**Pastmaster: He's got huge, sharp . . . he can leap about . . . look at the bones! **

**Feral: Go on, Tabor. Chop his head off! **

**Tabor: Right! Silly little bleeder. One order of frog legs coming right up! **

**Pastmaster: Look! **__****

**_(As the Pastmaster points, they all spin round to see the frog leap at Tabor's throat with an appalling roar. From a distance of about twenty feet there is a tin opening noise, and a cry from Tabor.)_**

**Tabor: Aaaugh! **

**_(A savage mutant frog bites through metal, and Tabor's head flies off.  The frog leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking in the Knights' direction and croaking menacingly. A scary chord.)_**

**Feral: Kats alive! **

**Pastmaster: I warned you! **

**Steele: I did it again! **

**Pastmaster: I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little froggie, isn't it? Well, it's always the same, I always . . .**

**Feral: Oh, shut up! **

**Pastmaster (quietly): But do they listen to me . . . ?**

**Feral: Right! **

**Pastmaster: Oh no.**

**Knights: Charge! **

**_(They all charge with swords drawn towards the frog. A tremendous twenty-second fight ensues, in which several knights are comprehensively killed.) _**

**Knights: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc. **

**Feral: Run away! Run away! **

**All Knights (taking up the cry): Run away! Run away!**

**_(They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. The Pastmaster, some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.)_**

**Pastmaster: He he he. He he he. He he. **

**Feral: Right. How many did we lose? **

**T-Bone: Scratch . . . **

**Razor: Harley . . .**

**Feral: And Tabor. That's five. **

**Razor: Three, sir. **

**Feral: Three. So we'd better not risk another frontal assault; that frog's dynamite. **

**Steele: Would it help to confuse it if we run away more? **

**Feral: Oh shut up, and go and change your armor. **__****

**_(Steele leaves, walking strangely)_**

**Razor: Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake. **

**Feral: Like what? **

**Razor: Well . . . **_(can't find a suitable answer)_****

**T-Bone: Have we got missiles? **

**Feral: No. **

**T-Bone (remembers): We have the Holy Hand Grenade. **

**Feral: Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Anakata! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Sister Abi carries with her! Sister Abi! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade! ****__**

**_(Slight pause. Then, from the back area, a small group of NUNS process forward towards the Knights. The leader is DR. ABI SINIAN bearing an ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying nuns are chanting and waving incense.  They reach the Knights.  The hand grenade is suffused with the holy glow.)_**

**Feral (regarding the reliquary): How does it, uh . . . how does it work?**

**T-Bone: I know not, my liege. **

**Feral: Consult the Book of Armaments. **

**Sinian: Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One. **

**Another Nun (reading from the Bible): "And Saint Leopold raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'Oh, Tremblays, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Tremblays did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs, and cows, and tuna, and anchovies, and orangutans, and fruit bats, and breakfast cereals, and large –" **

**Sinian (interrupting): Skip a bit, Sister. **

**Other Nun (pausing to read ahead): "And the Tremblays spake, saying, 'First, shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Anakata towards thy foe, who, being naughty in our sight, shall snuff it.' **

**Sinian: Amen. **

**All: Amen. **

**_(Feral pulls the Pin out. Sinian blesses the grenade as . . ._**

**Feral: Right! One . . . two . . . five! **

**Razor: Three, sir. **

**Feral: Three! **__****

**_(Feral throws the grenade at the frog.  There is an EXPLOSION and cheering from the Knights.)_**


	6. Part Last

32) INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY**__**

**_(The Knights enter the cave.  It is a large cave, and they walk through the darkness to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall. The Knights are accompanied by Sinian.)_**

**Feral (pointing to the writing): There! Look! **

**T-Bone: What does it say? **

**Razor: What language is that? **

**Feral: Sister Abi, you're our scholar! **

**_(Sinian steps forward and looks)_**

**Sinian: It's Siamese! **

**Razor: Of course! Lord Young of Siam! **

**T-Bone: Course! **

**Feral: What does it say? **

**Sinian: It reads . . . "Here may be found the last words of Lord Young. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of . . .  Uuggggggh".**

**Feral: What? **

**Sinian: "The Castle of Uuggggggh". **

**Hackle: What is that? **

**Sinian: He must have died while carving it. **

**T-Bone: Oh, come on! **

**Sinian: Well, that's what it says. **

**Feral: Look, if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "aaggggh". He'd just say it! **

**Sinian: Well, that's what's carved in the rock! **

**Razor: Maybe he was dictating. **

**Feral (to Razor): Oh, shut up. **(To Sinian)** Well, does it say anything else? **

**Sinian: No. Just "uuggggggh". **

**T-Bone (trying it out): Aauuggghhh. **

**Feral (likewise): Aaauuuuuugggghhhhhh **

**Hackle: You don't suppose he meant the Camauuuugh? **

**Razor: Where's that? **

**Hackle: France, I think. **

**T-Bone: Isn't there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall? **

**Feral: No, that's Saint Ives. **

**T-Bone: Oh, yeah. Saint Iiiives. **

**Several Knights: Iiiiives. **

**_(As the others try out the sounds, Hackle looks back over his shoulder. His eyes widen in terror.)_**

**Hackle (pointing frantically): Oooohoohohooo! **

**T-Bone (not looking): No, no, "aauuuuugh", at the back of the throat. Aauuugh. **

**Hackle: No, no. "Oooooooh" is surprise and alarm. **

**T-Bone: Oh, you mean sort of an "aaaagh"! **

**Hackle: Yes, but I . . . Aaaaagh! **

**Feral (turns and sees): Ooooh!**

**Razor: My Lords!**

**_(A loud roar. There in the opening is a huge, unpleasant, well-drawn cartoon dinosaur.) _**

**Sinian: It's the legendary Megasaurus Rex of . . . aaauuugh! **

**_(Sinian gets dragged off-screen and eaten) _**

**Feral: Run away! **

**All: Run away! Run away! **__****

**_(The animation Dinosaur starts lumbering towards them. The Knights retreat into the darkness of the cave as the Dinosaur charges after them.)_**

**Narrator: As the horrendous Megasaurus Rex lunged forward, escape for Feral and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly . . . the Author suffered a fatal pounce attack from her cat Sunshine!**

**Author: HEY!**

**Narrator: The laboriously-typed peril was erased. The Quest for the Holy Grail could continue.**

33 EXTERIOR - DAY**__**

**_(The Knights emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a breathtaking, barren landscape. They are half they way up the side of a mountain. They rest a few seconds and get their breath back.)_**

**Feral: There it is! The Bridge of Death! **

**Steele (to himself): Oh, great.**

**_(Out in the mist . . . a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the gorge below.  We cannot see the other side. Beside the bridge Ringtail stands, looking just as he did when they met him earlier in the forest.)_**

**Feral: Look! There's the old kat from Scene 14! **

**Hackle: What is he doing here? **

**_(The Knights begin to make their way along a narrow path toward the bridge)_**

**Feral: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveler five questions –  **

**Razor: Three questions. **

**Feral: Three questions. He who answers the five questions –**

**Razor: Three questions. **

**Feral: Three questions, may cross in safety. **

**Steele: What if you get a question wrong? **

**Feral: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. **

**Steele (swallowing hard): Oh, I won't go. **

**Razor: Who's going to answer the questions? **

**Feral: Sir Steele! **

**Steele (startled): Yes? **

**Feral: Brave Sir Steele, you go. **

**Steele: Hey! I've got a great idea . . . why doesn't T-Bone go? **

**T-Bone (drawing his sword eagerly): Yes, let me go, my liege! I'll take him single-handed! I'll make a feint to the north-east – **

**Feral: No, no, hang on, hang on! Just answer the five questions – **

**Razor: Three questions. **

**Feral: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch . . . and pray. **

**T-Bone: I understand, my liege. **

**Feral: Good luck, brave Sir T-Bone. The Tremblays be with you. **

**_(T-Bone approaches the bridge)_**

**Ringtail: Stop! **

**_(T-Bone stops)_**

Who would approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. 

**T-Bone: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. **

**Ringtail: What is your name? **

**T-Bone: My name is Sir T-Bone of Camelot. **

**Ringtail: What is your quest? **

**T-Bone: To seek the Holy Grail. **

**Ringtail: What is your favorite color? **

**T-Bone: Blue. **

**Ringtail: Right. Off you go. **

**T-Bone: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. **__****

**_(T-Bone runs across into the mist. Feral and Steele exchange glances. Steele breathes a great sigh of relief.)_**

**Steele: That's easy! **

**_(Steele races up to the bridge)_**

**Ringtail: Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see. **

**Steele: Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I'm not afraid. **

**Ringtail: What is your name? **

**Steele: Sir Steele of Camelot. **

**Ringtail: What is your quest? **

**Steele: To seek the Holy Grail. **

**Ringtail: What is the capital of Katchu Pichu? **

**Steele (indignantly): I don't know that! **__****

**_(_****_He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the precipice)_**

Auuuuuuugggghhhh!****

**_(Nervously, Razor steps forward)_**

**Ringtail: Stop! What is your name? **

**Razor: Sir Razor of Camelot. **

**Ringtail: What is your quest? **

**Razor: I seek the Grail. **

**Ringtail: What is your favorite color? **

**Razor: Blue. No, red – **__****

**_(He is thrown into the precipice)_**

Auuuuuuuugh! 

**Ringtail: Heh heh. **

**_(Feral and Hackle approach)_**

**Ringtail: Stop! **_(To Feral)_** What is your name? **

**Feral: It is Feral, King of the Britons. **

**Ringtail: What is your quest? **

**Feral: To seek the Holy Grail.**

**Ringtail: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? **

**Feral: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? **

**Ringtail: I-I don't know that! **

**_(Ringtail is thrown into the precipice by the same unknown force)_**

Auuuuuuuugh! 

**Hackle (impressed): How do you know so much about swallows? **

**Feral: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. **

**_(They begin to cross the bridge)_**

34) EXT. – THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDGE - DAY 

**_(Feral and Hackle are walking through the mist)_**

**Feral: T-BONE! T-BONE! T-BONE! **

**Hackle: T-BONE! T-BONE! **

**Feral: T-BONE! T-BONE! **

**Hackle: T-BONE! T-BONE! **

**_(Meanwhile, T-Bone is being questioned and checked for weapons by Enforcers and the missing pages, led by the Sergeant, now in modern dress. Nightwind and the Author's Mother look on.)_**

**Sergeant: You do realize how many laws you've broken just by carrying these weapons. **

**T-Bone (just stares): What . . . ?!**__****

**_(Back where we left them, Feral and Hackle are walking on flat, misty ground. Suddenly, a boat looms up through the mist. Feral and Hackle climb on board, and some unseen force pushes the boat across the lake. At last, the boat stops on the shore of an island. Feral and Hackle look through the mist, and see a grand castle. Angelic voices begin to sing. Feral and Hackle climb out of the boat and walk ashore, accompanied by triumphant music.)_**

**Feral: The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! The Tremblays be praised! **

**_(Feral and Hackle kneel)_**

**Feral: Almighty Tremblays, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy -**

**_(A loud TWANG. The music stops, and Feral and Hackle look up.)_**

**Feral: Kats alive! **

**_(A load of sausage links comes crashing on them. On the castle battlements, Turmoil pops up.)_**

**Turmoil: Hello, daffy English kniggets and Mister Feral-King, who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we Russian ladies outwit you a second time!**

**Feral (furious): How dare you profane this place with your presence! I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which the Tremblays themselves have guided us! **

**Turmoil: How you English say, I one more time unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a cel-cleaner! So, you think you could out-clever us Russian folk with your silly knees-bent running-about-in-dancing behavior! I wave my tail at your aunties, you cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom-biters!**

**_(By this time, Feral and Hackle have reached the doors of the castle. Feral pounds on them furiously.)_**

**Feral: In the name of the Tremblays, we demand entrance to this sacred castle! **

**Turmoil: No chance, English bedwetting types! I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms! **

**Feral: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!**

**_(A bucket of filth slops down on Feral. He tries to maintain his dignity.)_**

In the name of the Tremblays and the glory of our – 

**_(Another bucketful)_**

Right! That settles it! 

**_(They turn and walk away. Jeering female voices follow them.)_**

**Turmoil: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more, or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Muahaha! **

**Feral (to Hackle): Walk away. Just ignore them. **

**Turmoil: And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet, daffy English kniggets!**

**_(The she-kats blow raspberries and jeer as Feral and Hackle walk away. After Feral and Hackle have crossed the lake, Russian taunts are still audible in the distance.)_**

**Feral (to Hackle): We shall attack at once! **

**Hackle: Yes, my liege! **

**Feral: Stand by for attack!**__****

**_(An enormous army begins forming up.  Trebuchets, rows of pikemen, siege towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!", and traditional army build-up shots.  The shouts echo across the ranks of the army. We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness. Feral is satisfied. He addresses the castle.)_**

**Feral: She-kats! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of the Tremblays we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail returns to those whom the Tremblays have chosen. Charge!**

**Troops: Charge!**__****

**_(The mighty army charges. Thundering noise of feet, clatter of coconuts, shouts, etc. They charge towards the castle. Suddenly, there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars with the Enforcer insignia roar round in front of the charging army, and the Enforcers leap out and stop them. The Enforcers, led by the Sergeant and the Author's Mother with Nightwind in her arms, stand off to the side.  Black Marias skid up behind them.)_**

**Nightwind: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure. **

**Sergeant: Come on. Anybody armed must go too. **

**Officer #1: All right. Come on. Back. **

**Nightwind: Get that one.**

**Officer #2: Back, right away. Just . . . pull it off. Come on. Come along.**

**_(The Enforcers grab Feral and bundle him into the Maria)_**

**Feral: But wait, I'm your commander! **

**Sergeant (smirking evilly): Put this kat in the van. And get him a straightjacket. **

**Officer #1: Clear off. Come on. **

**Hackle: With whom? **

**Office #1: Which one? **

**Officer #2: Oh . . . this one.Come on. Put him in the van. **

**Officer #1: Get a blanket. **

**_(Hackle is led off with a blanket over his head)_**

**Officer #1: We have no hospital. **

**Random: Ah. **

**_(The rest of the army stands around looking at a loss)_**

**Random: Ooh. **

**Sergeant (picks up megaphone): All right! Clear off! Come on!**

**Officer #1: Come on. Back, right back. Come on! **

**Officer #2: Run along! Run along! **

**Officer #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is. **

**_(All the Knights are huddled in the back of the Maria)_**

**Officer #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along. **

**Sergeant: Everything?**

**Officer #1: All right. That's enough. Just pack that in.**

**_(The army seems not quite sure what to do. The Author's Mother notices the computer screen.)_**

**Author's Mother (to computer): All right, put that away, Kate.**

**_(_****_She reaches out and pulls the power cord.)_**

**Author: Christ!**

**_(The Author just manages to save the document before the laptop shuts down.)_**

****

THE END?


End file.
